{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
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If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.