“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked