My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
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[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Rambo Rambow
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I told my vodka about you.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more