I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
yall want some gasoline milk
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”