Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”