But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.