“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back