those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun