My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Sounds like a bargain
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.