Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Customer is always right
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard