Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
synchronized noseblowing
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*