When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?