I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah