I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Tastes like chicken.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
it be like that
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Good dog. ❤️
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap