detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
That eye roll….
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”