As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[shakes fist at other fist]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.