I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices