[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
You Might Also Like
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.