Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
when revenge coincides with naptime
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit