*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.