Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18