dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Very good! 👍😂
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.