Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
cat vs inanimate object
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy