My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts