[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
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fired
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.