mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Lucky old June.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat