It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
You Might Also Like
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.