What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
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I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.