WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I missed you with all my darts
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
same vibe as tangled headphones
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Buying a well is money well spent.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.