Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.