WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
This hospital has everything