I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Choose your fighter
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…