so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.