*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
How do you milk an almond?
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken