[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Oh. My. God.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
i think both sides are to blame here
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”