being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
😂💯
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.