hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I’ve had worse
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools