[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Alexa: *deep breath*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition