Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
You Might Also Like
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.