I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Siri, fight Alexa.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”