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News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
🤣
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.