her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
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Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.