Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
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Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
is frankincense just very honest incense?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.