this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
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My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
getting corrected
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.