Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.