The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!