Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I finally found a reason to live again.
so much to do
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.