I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Wait a minute…
Planet of the Apps.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink