a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
You Might Also Like
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.