FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom